Deconstruction of Christianity: Here's My Story

 

A lot of us were handed a religion early in life.

We didn’t choose it. We didn’t spend years studying different beliefs and deciding which one made the most sense to us. We were taught what our parents believed, and in many cases, our parents were taught what their parents believed. The same beliefs were passed from one generation to the next, becoming part of the family long before we were old enough to question any of it.

That was my experience.

I was handed a definition of God, religion, prayer, and spirituality before I had enough life experience to decide what any of it meant to me. And for a long time, I believed what I had been taught because that’s what you do when everyone around you believes the same thing.

Until it stops making sense.

There comes a point when the things you’ve been taught no longer match the life you’re actually living. The experiences you’re having don’t line up with what you were told would happen if you prayed, believed, trusted God, and did your best to live the way you were taught to live.

And eventually, the questions start.

For me, one of the biggest questions was simple.

Where is God when I need God the most?

When God Doesn’t Show Up

I think this is where a lot of people begin questioning what they believe.

You pray. You ask. You believe. You wait.

And you’re looking for God to show up.

But nothing happens.

So, you pray harder. You try to believe more. You look at yourself and wonder if you’re doing something wrong. Maybe you didn’t have enough faith. Maybe you didn’t pray the right way. Maybe there’s something in your life that’s preventing God from answering your prayer.

And eventually, you start looking around.

You see other people talking about how God showed up right on time. They tell stories about the money arriving exactly when they needed it. The door opening at the perfect moment. The prayer being answered. The blessing showing up.

And you’re sitting there wondering, okay, but where is God in my life?

Because you’re praying too.

You’re believing too.

And you’re doing everything you were taught to do.

At some point, those questions become harder to ignore.

Especially when you start looking at the world around you.

One person is celebrating because their child made it out of the hospital. Another person is standing in that same hospital praying for their child to survive. One mother gets to take her baby home. Another mother has to bury hers.

How do we explain that?

Both mothers may have prayed.

Both mothers may have believed.

Both mothers may have been good people.

So, when someone confidently tells the world that God blessed their life because they prayed, I think we must understand how that message can be extremely harmful for the person sitting somewhere wondering why God didn’t answer theirs.

I come from Christianity, so I understand the language. I understand what people mean when they say God showed up, God made a way, or God blessed them. But as I got older, I started having more questions about the certainty behind those statements.

Because if God is no respecter of persons, why does it appear that God shows up differently for different people?

Why does one person pray and receive exactly what they asked for while another person prays for something just as deeply and experiences a completely different outcome?

The more questions I asked, the less the answers made sense to me.

And slowly, I moved further and further away from what I had been taught.

I Had to Redefine God for Myself

There came a point when I realized something had to change.

I couldn’t continue walking through my life believing in a version of God that no longer made sense inside of my own experience. I had spent too much time waiting for God to show up, and too many times, I was left trying to understand why God seemed absent when I needed help the most.

So, I started asking a different question.

What if I get to decide what God means to me?

That question changed everything.

Today, this is what I believe.

I believe God is the source of perfectly balanced masculine and feminine energy that created all things.

I don’t believe God is a man sitting on a throne in the sky overseeing the world and deciding who receives a blessing and who doesn’t. I don’t believe God is personally handing out money to one person while another person is praying for enough to keep their lights on.

I believe God is a source.

And I believe every human being is connected to that source.

The way I understand it, God affects my life, but God does not interfere with or intervene in my life. My connection to the source matters. The more connected I am, the better I function. The more disconnected I become, the easier it is for me to lose my direction.

I think about it like charging a phone.

When your phone is connected to the charger, the battery fills up. Eventually, it reaches one hundred percent, and you unplug it because you have to take it with you and move around. But as you use it throughout the day, the battery starts getting lower.

Eventually, you have to recharge it.

That’s how I see my connection to God.

I don’t believe I have to sit still and remain connected every second of the day. I have a human life to live. I have decisions to make, responsibilities to handle, problems to solve, and experiences to move through. But I do believe I have to keep reconnecting to the source.

For me, that happens through getting quiet, reflecting, paying attention to my life, listening for guidance, and making sure I’m actually aligned with what I say I want.

I also think about the four seasons.

The seasons affect my life, but they don’t interfere with it.

If it’s winter, I know I need to dress differently than I would in the summer. If it’s hot outside, I must move accordingly. The season affects the conditions around me, but it doesn’t make my decisions for me.

It’s my responsibility to recognize the season I’m in and respond to it.

That’s how I understand God.

God is the source. The source affects my life. But I still have the responsibility of living it.

The Balance of Masculine and Feminine Energy

As I began redefining God, I also started looking more closely at masculine and feminine energy and how both show up in everyday life.

To me, masculine energy includes things like direction, action, protection, order, strength, justice, provision, problem-solving, and initiating change. It’s the part of us that gets up and does something. It creates structure. It makes decisions. It moves.

Feminine energy includes compassion, nurturing, intuition, creativity, receptivity, wisdom, patience, and unconditional love. It’s the part of us that knows when to slow down, listen, receive, create, and pay attention to what we’re feeling.

Both are necessary.

Too much masculine energy can have you constantly doing something. Always pushing. Always trying to make something happen. Always solving the next problem. You can get so caught up in action that eventually you burn yourself out.

Too much feminine energy can have you sitting around waiting. Feeling. Hoping. Trusting. Receiving. Waiting for a sign. Waiting for the right moment. Waiting for God to show up.

But eventually, something still has to move.

There must be balance.

And I had to look closely at my own life to figure out where I was out of balance.

I had spent a lot of time waiting for God to show up and move my life forward. But sitting around waiting for God to show up never moved my life forward. What finally started moving my life forward was looking at myself honestly and asking where I was out of balance.

Where did I need to take action?

Where was I waiting when I needed to move?

Where was I pushing too hard?

Where did I need to slow down and listen?

Once I could recognize where I was out of balance, I could begin bringing myself back into balance. And getting back to that balanced place is what started moving my life forward.

That changed the way I looked at everything.

Because sometimes the answer isn’t waiting for something outside of us to come and change our lives. Sometimes we must look at where we’re out of balance and make the adjustments ourselves.

The Ego, the Higher Self, and the Observer

As my beliefs continued to change, I also started paying closer attention to myself.

The way I understand my own growth is through three different versions of myself, my ego, my higher self, and what I call the observer.

The ego is the version of us that learns how to function early in life. It’s shaped by experiences, conditioning, fear, survival, and everything we learn about how the world works.

Then, as we grow and evolve, the higher self starts showing up. The ego is still there, but it doesn’t have to run everything anymore. You begin making different decisions. You become more aware of how you treat people. You start paying attention to whether your actions actually line up with the person you want to be.

And then I noticed something else.

The observer.

I believe the observer has always been there, quietly watching. But once I began functioning more consistently as my higher self, I started noticing that observer stepping in whenever I slipped back into something that didn’t align with who I had become.

Nothing major. Just little things.

I would make a small mistake and literally say out loud, “Girl, what are you doing? Get yourself together.”

And once I noticed myself doing that repeatedly, I started paying attention.

What is that?

For me, I decided it was my observer lovingly holding me accountable and reminding me to get back to functioning as my higher self.

My First Experience with the Spiritual Realm

I started having experiences with the spiritual realm when I was around ten years old.

I saw what I now understand as an apparition. An apparition is the appearance of someone or something that seems to be present but isn’t physically there in the way another person standing in the room would be.

The one I saw was male. He was tall, and there was a blue glowing light around his body.

I remember seeing him as a child, and today, at fifty-one years old, I look back at that experience differently.

Shortly after I began seeing that apparition, I entered a period of childhood trauma and experienced something that could have taken my life.

It didn’t.

And today, I believe that apparition was my first experience with a spirit guide.

I believe my spirit guides were already with me. I believe they were watching over me and protecting me long before I understood what spirit guides were or believed that spiritual guidance could be part of my life.

That belief has continued to grow through the experiences I’ve had as an adult.

June 24, 2026

Earlier this year, on June 24, I reached a breaking point.

I had been on a long journey trying to create something that, honestly, I thought should be simple by now, financial security. And during the month of June, it felt like everything that could go wrong did.

Eventually, I lost my shit.

I cried out in a way I had never cried out before.

And this is where my understanding of God and spiritual guidance became even more personal.

God didn’t show up, but my spirit guides did.

From that day forward, I started having experiences that made me aware that I wasn’t walking through this human experience alone.

One of the ways I believe my spirit guides let me know they are present is through coins.

Not just finding a coin somewhere and thinking, oh, that’s interesting. These coins show up in places that make me stop and pay attention.

One day, I went to take my trash to the dumpster. I opened my trunk, and a quarter literally jumped out.

I remember looking at it and thinking, I know that quarter didn’t just jump out of my trunk.

But I picked it up, put it in my pocket, and said, “Okay, well, I’ll take this money however I can get it.”

The following week, I went back to take my trash to the dumpster. As I got out of the car, I was already thinking about that quarter.

I know goddamn well that quarter jumped out of that trunk last week.

I went to the trunk, handled my trash, and got back in the car. That’s when I saw another quarter perfectly position in the driver’s seat.

This one had the year 1985 on it.

The same year my grandmother was murdered.

And I started crying.

Because at that moment, I knew I had not imagined that quarter literally jumping out of the trunk the previous week.

From that day forward, my awareness of my spirit guides became stronger. I began physically feeling and seeing their presence in my life every day.

Guidance Doesn’t Always Look the Same

I’m still learning.

I don’t have every answer about the spiritual realm, and I don’t expect my understanding to stop evolving. But through my experiences and everything I’ve learned so far, this is where my beliefs have grown.

I believe there is ancestral guidance and angel protection available to us from the spiritual realm.

I believe spirit guides can communicate in different ways because people experience things differently.

I’ve experienced guidance through seeing things. I’ve had dreams that showed me things before they happened. There have been moments when I simply knew something without being able to explain how I knew it.

My son experiences things differently. He hears.

And I believe those differences matter because there may be people walking around having deeply personal spiritual experiences without knowing how to understand what they’re experiencing.

Maybe you saw something as a child.

Maybe you’ve had dreams that later happened.

Maybe you hear things.

Maybe you just know things before you have any logical reason to know them.

Do NOT allow Christians to tell you that your connection to the spiritual realm is demonic.

I can say that directly because I come from Christianity.

For many people, anything outside of what Christianity teaches is immediately labeled demonic. Spirit guides are demonic. Ancestors are demonic. Apparitions are demonic. Spiritual experiences that don’t fit neatly inside Christianity are demonic.

But your experiences are yours to understand.

You get to explore them.

You get to learn.

You get to pay attention to what they mean inside your own life.

Discernment Still Matters

That doesn’t mean I believe every spiritual connection brings the same energy into our lives.

I believe there are good spiritual influences, and I believe there are evil ones too.

And I believe we must be mindful of what we’re inviting into our lives.

What are you watching?

What are you listening to?

What are you consuming every day?

How are you behaving toward other people?

What kind of energy are you constantly surrounding yourself with?

I believe those things matter.

If you want guidance that brings light, love, wisdom, and direction into your life, then you must pay attention to what you’re connecting yourself to.

Because I believe darkness attracts darkness just as easily as light attracts light.

For me, discernment is about paying attention to what something is producing in my life.

Is it bringing more kindness?

More love?

More peace?

More wisdom?

Is it helping me become a better human being?

Those are the things I pay attention to.

You Get to Redefine God for Yourself

This article isn’t an attempt to convince you to believe what I believe.

My definition of God doesn’t have to become yours.

My experiences with spirit guides don’t have to mean the same thing to you that they mean to me.

The point of sharing my journey is much simpler than that.

I want you to know that you have permission to question what you were handed.

You have permission to ask questions when something doesn’t make sense.

You have permission to explore your own experiences.

You have permission to learn something new and change your mind.

You have permission to let your beliefs evolve.

And if you eventually arrive somewhere completely different from where you started, that’s okay too.

This human experience is yours.

You are the one living it.

You are the one having the experiences, asking the questions, searching for answers, and trying to understand what all of this means to you.

For a long time, I believed I had to understand God the way I was taught to understand God.

Today, I don’t.

I redefined God for myself.

And you can too.